Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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