Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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