I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
