Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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