I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
