that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
