News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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