he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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