nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Found your dick twin last night
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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