i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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