my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
