Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
