So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
