wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
