Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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