I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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