Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
