The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
