I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
