Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
