I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
