wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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