Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
