It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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