between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
