The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
