i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
