Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
