i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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