I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
