I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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