So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
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