How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
