moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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