We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
