If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
