I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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