just survived the first fart of the relationship.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
