i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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