im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
