I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
