last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
