Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
