morning after pill = breakfast in bed
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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