If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
