Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
