guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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