I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
