Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
