Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
