i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
