Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
