Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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