I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
vagina is talking i cant
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
