I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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