I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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