haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
These tits shall not be calmed
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
