Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.