his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS