I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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